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  • Writer's picturePrisca Liliane Ltd. Co.

THE ULTIMATE HEARTBREAK

By: Prisca Liliane


Being motherless has never bothered me until now. Although I am loved and cared for by my wonderful father- I have had this longing feeling for my mother’s presence. As a child, I had always flocked to my dad when I was hurt or needed guidance. To be frank, my mom was just “there”. I don’t believe I fully ever gave her a chance to bond with me on an emotional level. While I can remember that I appreciated her for allowing me to express my creative self, I did not engulf myself her. I now realize, at that time, I never allowed her to connect with me more.

 

Marie Liliane was a Haitian goddess. Standing at 6 feet tall, she was multi-lingual, a fabulous cook, amazing dresser, and all around wonderful hostess. This Pisces woman’s favorite color was green, loved chili and enjoyed Whoppers malt chocolates at the movies. Her television crush was Philip Michael Thomas from “Miami Vice”, learned the English language via Morgan Freeman on “Electric Company”, and sang to her favorite tune “Three Times a Lady” by the Commodores. My mother was the epitome of grace and class and I , at 32 years old miss her more than I have ever have in my entire life.



1999 was supposed to be the year my mother flourished. Her dreams were always a priority of my dad, and he made sure that he was the best support system she had. In May of that year, my father helped facilitate their American dreams- purchased a brand new home in a brand new development. Being done around their wedding anniversary, it was the sweetest gesture a man could make for his wife and family. Fast forward to the month of December when all of our lives would be forever changed. On the 11th day, my parents close friends, Mr. Tim and Ms. Rachel were getting married. Due to me having a dance recital later that evening, mom chose to run errands and to pick up my dance recital costumes. After missing call time and not hearing from her, dad and I chose to go home to check on her. That’s when I noticed her green, Toyota Corolla flipped upside down. She was gone. Forever.

Winter season always brings about a myriad of feelings inside of me. I get a mixture of excitement between social gatherings with my friends and the opportunity to visit dad back home. Then the other side of me gets anxious- including several melt downs (alone, of course), random crying and anger filled rage. Although normally I feel like a whole person, a part of me is missing. The woman who carried me inside of her and was responsible for giving me life is deceased. Now that I am of child bearing age, I realize that my future husband and children will never know of her outside of photos and old videos. They will never get to hug or kiss the woman who taught me that no matter what anyone ever thinks about me, my opinion of myself is all that matters.

 

Looking back, there were subtle signs that were telling me that she was not going to be with me in my adult life. The ONLY films me and mom ever went to see alone were “The Bodyguard” (1992) and “Soul Food” (1997). Note: Any other time, dad and Mike (my brother) always were with us to watch movies at the theatre. Both songs for each of these films were “I Will Always Love You”- which was remade by Whitney Houston and “A Song For Mama” by Boys II Men. The lyrics of these longs are eerily creepy to me now, and I am not able to listen to them fully without breaking down emotionally.

My hope in writing this piece, is to let others know that there are always going to be trigger moments with the loss of a parent. In my case, this year marking the 20th anniversary of mom passing away, hit me like a ton of bricks. No one can replace your mother and no one can ever give back that missing element either. My intention is to always honor her memory and to always stay connected to my Haitian culture as that is truly the lasting bond we will always share. Much love always.

 
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